Daniel A. Bochner, Ph.D.

Why do people have affairs? One of the primary reasons for having an affair is that cheaters actually want to ruin their marriages. Of course that's not the only reason for having an affair. It is possible to fall in love outside one's marriage by accident, especially if one is not getting his or her needs met inside the marriage. But really that goes in the category of unconsciously needing to ruin one's marriage, doesn't it? There are also many people who simply have a hard time controlling their sexual or flirtatious impulses even though they believe they are in love with their spouses. But really that person is not fully engaged within their marriage if their own impulses so easily overwhelm how their behavior will affect their spouse. There are also people, believe it or not, who know darned well that having an affair will not result in a divorce because their spouse will allow it without serious confrontation. Those individuals, it could be argued, don't really have a marriage.

You see, affairs occur in a state of unhappiness. The person who has the affair feels a need for excitement at the least, and typically they are looking for a release from the drudgery they perceive within their marriage or their life circumstances. The problem with that is, we all know the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence. We also know that marriage is often extremely difficult. That's a powerful combination. When it's getting difficult to pay the bills or when one of the children is having problems, couples often get bogged down in blaming each other instead of working together. In difficult circumstances it's especially likely that a spouse will seek a way out. Someone outside the marriage, someone who is not associated with the problems impacting the marriage, can be very attractive indeed...

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