Daniel A. Bochner, Ph.D.

"I" Statements are perhaps the most commonly endorsed communication tool for relationships in existence. That makes perfect sense. "I" Statements are one of the most important communication tools we have for developing effective communication. When there's a problem in communication related to feelings (as opposed to a lack of grammatical clarity, form, style, or enunciation), one culprit is typically found lurking. "I" Statements, when used correctly, can completely expose and redress the culprit. That culprit, the buggy little varmint, is blame.

When people are told they've done something wrong, they typically become defensive. Most people don't like to think they're wrong even when it has nothing to do with blame. When we think someone is finding fault with us, however, we simply just can't stand being wrong. In a way, that's a good thing. Thank goodness most people don't want to do wrong or hurt others. When we get defensive, in a way we're just saying we don't want to hurt anyone. Yet the fact is, people do hurt each other. Most of the time, it's really not intentional. When we want to tell someone they've hurt us, we want to do so because we hope they really didn't want to hurt us. If the reason for telling someone they've hurt us is, thus, to resolve some issue, then there should be significant interest in expressing a hurt in a way that can help. Successful communication of feelings requires that blame be minimized so that the communication can be accepted.

That is the main purpose of the "I" Statement. It is designed to express a feeling responsibly and without blame, so that it can be accepted and answered without defensiveness. "I" statements have three primary elements, each of which helps to prevent feelings of blame. Although one person starts a communication with an "I" statement, the process works best when two people have agreed in advance to make use of "I" statements. First...

For the complete article, please buy The Emotional Toolbox book.