Daniel A. Bochner, Ph.D.

Poised for a much needed change in your communication with someone very important to you? Do you and your partner, or maybe even you and your child, know what you do that makes the other react with anger or sadness? Does it seem like the only barrier between where you are and where you want to be is the inability to prevent or control the behaviors or attitudes that get you started in the wrong direction? If you and the person with whom you want to communicate are unequivocally in agreement about what those behaviors and attitudes are, perhaps you can agree on a Key Signal to clue you in that the behavior has been noticed. When behaviors that cause bad reactions can be checked with a signal upon first notice, the chain reaction of negative communication that is typically initiated can often be avoided.

A Key Signal is a word or hand sign that is used covertly to signal another person that a behavior has been noticed. If two people agree in advance that they each will stop a particular behavior or attitude when given the Key Signal, then the chain reaction of behaviors that are typically triggered by that behavior can be averted. If a word is to be used, it is important that the word be considered neutral by each party. It is especially useful if the word is humorous. Examples of words that have been used by my clients include "bubble," "tiddly winks," "tug boat," and "bananas." When stealth is especially important in the process, that is, when it is important that no one else in the vicinity is aware of the communication, a hand Key Signal is especially useful. People have used signs like pulling their ear lobe or touching the top of their own heads. With stealth in mind, it can be important that the sign be simultaneously noticeable and inconspicuous. An example of a furtive Hand Key Signal that works especially well when privacy is preferred is...

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