Daniel A. Bochner, Ph.D.

What you see is what you get! Right? Well... not exactly. It’s interesting to think about how people fall in love. Typically, when two people "fall" they really don’t know much about each other. When it comes to the first few dates, beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. I don’t just mean that we all have different tastes (although that is certainly true). I mean that who we perceive the other person to be is truly a fantasy that comes primarily from within our own minds. In fact, with respect to falling in love, it could be said, what you see is what you want.

When we become infatuated with someone, without really knowing much about that person, we allow our desires or fears to dominate our view of them. If a new person seems kind and we have a need for kindness, then we feel sure that the other person is very kind. When we have that need for kindness we are also likely to assign a thousand other wonderful attributes. On the other hand, if that same person seems kind, and we tend to be distrustful, or if we fear becoming intimate too quickly, or if we find ourselves most attracted to only very "strong" people, then we think they are trying to manipulate, or that they are too naive, or that they are too needy.

The truth of the matter is that we see people for who they really are only with time. The more experience we have with someone, the more we know that their actions truly reflect their general tendencies. When we first meet someone, not only are we likely to see what we want to see, but they are most likely going to show us what we want to see...



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