Daniel A. Bochner, Ph.D.

Once you have fallen in love - that is, once you’ve become infatuated and obsessed with your partner - and once you start slipping into the less tumultuously blissful period of relationship in which you are relating within the pleasant but mundane context of the day to day routines of life, without even knowing it, you start a process of wonder in which you are deciding whether the individual with whom you’re spending so much time now is a person with whom you can spend a really long time, or perhaps even the rest of your life. Of course that typically happens without any real thought. In general, people don’t like to over-think things, and that’s good. Nevertheless, the way this process begins is profoundly important because it will set a pattern that will likely last for the duration of your relationship. If things go well, if you’re creating your relationship to last, you’ll be either naturally or intentionally making sure your relationship is based in the three A’s: Acceptance, Accommodation, and Assertiveness.

A good relationship is initially based in "chemical" attraction (perhaps "Attraction" should be a fourth "A"). We become infatuated with another and we literally want to be with them all the time. In fact, the process of falling in love follows a prevailing pattern of addiction (please see article, "The Dating Fantasy"), except that, within certain bounds, being "addicted" to another person while you’re falling in love is doubtlessly the norm. Once the powers of infatuation and desire inevitably simmer down, however, the natural workings of two personalities together begins to solidify into more enduring patterns. Those patterns will either make for lasting relatedness, or will dissolve the relationship. Relationships can dissolve due to a pattern of stagnation and entropy (boredom) or a pattern of mutually assured destruction (competition). These patterns of relating most importantly involve the yet to be discovered, but undeniable, differences and similarities between love partners.

A successful relationship is dependent on the presence of two whole people. That means things must be worked out. You know those couples that never argue? Most of the time, those couples are not very healthy. If two people are together constantly, and they never argue, then they are likely in a static pattern in which one of them is typically getting their way and the other is giving in. Although that is a kind of relationship that can last for a long time, it is amazing how often the partner who always gets their way grows bored of the relationship and figures out a way to get out. Of course it’s also common for the partner who rarely gets their way to grow dissatisfied and move to dissolve the relationship.

That things must be worked out is actually a good thing. In fact, a truly good relationship exists within the tension that is created between two people who find each other interesting and equal. To remain deeply engaged in a relationship, each person’s views must be considered important and valid. Because no two people are the same, those important and valid viewpoints will frequently differ. If two people do not differ enough, they will grow bored. It would be almost as if both people are one person. There can be no relationship if there is only one person. On the other hand, two people need be only sufficiently challenging to one another in their differences. Either too much difference, or more importantly, too little ability to accept the validity and importance of the other’s view, will lead to competition and the dissolution of the relationship.

For a love relationship to be healthy, then, partners need to see their differences and accept those that are tolerable. As part of that acceptance, there often must be accommodation. If one partner likes to engage in an activity that does not include the other partner, that must be allowed to the extent that it is feasible. If one partner likes to discuss an area of interest that does not naturally grab the interest of the other, the other certainly can try to find the topic intersting so that ideas can be shared. This process of acceptance and accommodation accordingly involves each partner negotiating their wants and needs in an assertive way (the three A’s)...

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