Daniel A. Bochner, Ph.D.

Many articles are written about specific issues in child rearing, but rarely do we find a way to discuss the basic building blocks that are necessary for making children grow into great adults. There are a few essential components that must be cultivated in our children if we are to fashion them into healthy, thriving, connected beings. These components, when properly placed and integrated during childhood, work in unison to help people function both as individuals and within the larger community. Before it's possible to jump into the specific problems any one population might have, it is necessary to have a clear understanding of these basic components and how to ensure that they will be installed properly. The question that is of most importance in child rearing, therefore, is not a question about what is wrong with particular children, but rather, how do we make sure to build integrity in all children?

In answering this general question, it appears that there is an associated general problem area that seems to be a regular correlate to problems with integrity in our society. That one problem area is materialism. Our society is so fast, and materialism runs so rampant at every economic level, that almost all children get most of the things they want with very little effort. Sometimes it’s X-Boxes, sometimes it’s nice clothing or a new pair of Jordans, but most of the time parents do whatever they can to obtain these things in our current society, regardless of whether or not they’re affordable or whether it’s ill-advised to give these things to their children. Sometimes, it seems, we run so fast to attain the things we desire that we forget the more important parts of life. Integrity of character involves one's relation to others in the world, and thus materialism, to the extent that we pursue selfish pleasures, image, and ego, becomes the primary symptom of a lack of integrity.

We need to ask how empty materialistic pursuit grabs a hold of us. What happens, for example, when a person is given everything without appropriate effort? On the other hand, what happens if a person sees that others need make little effort and get everything anyway? Are matters made worse when a person’s parents feel that their children should be given everything as a reward for the parents’ hard work? Are matters made worse when a parent gives their child everything merely due to guilt about what they perceive to be their own failure to succeed? What if, to make matters worse, a child grows up believing that the only worthwhile accomplishments in this world require huge success since that's what they're parents have pursued? On the other hand, what if a child grows up thinking there is no chance they’ll be able to earn the things they want for themselves or their families in a legitimate job? All of these pressures lead people to resentment, laziness, and/or unearned entitlement, and away from integrity of character, as parents and children alike pursue many desires, but not their connection with each other. The current state of materialism pulls us away from one another even as we try to buy our way into each others' hearts.

As has now been well-publicized, most notably quite recently in Madeline Levine’s book, "The Price of Privilege" (2006), the current state of affluent materialism has left many well-to-do children feeling empty, depressed and angry, as they act out either through wild behavior and substance abuse, or equally damaging self loathing and self abuse. Meanwhile, in far less affluent homes, in spite of material possessions provided through great sacrifice, desperation grows as children see their parents working endlessly, or falling hopelessly into debt, while attempting to give their children those things the media and advertisers seem to suggest that every child deserves. These children also turn to wild behavior due to resentment, feelings of emptiness and depression, which show up behaviorally in substance abuse and other forms of self abuse, but also criminal behavior, which can seem to be a legitimate option for getting ahead in a world where so many others can get things so much easier than the underprivileged can.

The antidote to materialism, and the key to integrity, is thus connection and relatedness within society in general, and especially between parents and their children. But this too is a complicated issue. It can be difficult to find time for connection and relatedness based on how we run our lives...

For the complete article, please buy The Emotional Toolbox book.