Daniel A. Bochner, Ph.D.

When I see all the trouble encountered by kids who don't want to follow rules, kids who just never seem to do the right thing – when I see kids blow up in anger because they don't get their way, or take things they think they need because they just can't wait – when kids can't tell the truth or take responsibility – when they feel entitled, but don't like hard work – when it seems clear to me that a kid just won't get a grip on where they're going to end up if they keep going this way, I can't help but think the same thing every time: Why on God's green Earth would someone keep being bad when it's so much easier to be good?

Of course the answer is complicated! It must be. It can't feel good to have people angry at you all the time, or to have them be disappointed. As if the wrath of parents and teachers isn't bad enough, when the consequences are meted out, it must stink to lose privileges or be forced to do extra work. Even worse, it must feel devastating to go to court and/or Juvenile Detention. From the point of view of most ordinary people, it seems daunting enough just to have to associate with other people who also can't be trusted, or worse, people who might literally stab you in the back. Worst of all, however, is that being bad gets a person nowhere.

When someone is frequently bad, others will not trust them. If they can't be trusted, a person who is acting badly will not only lose privileges, but they will also lose their freedom. As children, only those who can earn their parents' trust are actually given freedom. If their parents trust too easily, or if their parents just don't care enough, of course, those kids end up in lock up. But in most cases where parents do care, we see the child slowly lose the ability to do anything that requires trust, even when no privilege has been taken. If a kid can't be trusted to go outside or have friends over, then even when the child's not in trouble, some fear within the parent will make them say "no" or find an excuse to avoid granting a privilege. If the parents care and they are afraid, they have to say "no" in order to keep their child safe. Sometimes parents even say "no" to the child being with the parent. If a parent believes their child is likely to get on their nerves when they go somewhere, that parent is likely to abstain from bringing the child just because it would be more trouble than it's worth. When it comes time for really big freedoms, like learning to drive, a caring parent would have to be crazy to allow a child who isn't trustworthy to get behind the wheel.

When you think of the long term, the outcomes are even worse. People who continue to do the wrong thing into their adult years rarely, if ever, truly succeed. No matter how you define success, it is unlikely one can become successful by doing bad things. Bad acting people come to bad ends. How many times do you hear about a criminal success story?...

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