Daniel A. Bochner, Ph.D.

What would you do if your very best friend, your BFF, was in real trouble? You know how it can go sometimes. A lover breaks up with you and you think maybe you're an ugly loser. Or maybe you're struggling to find a job, and no one seems to want you. Maybe it's just one of those periods when it seems like everything is difficult, and you think it's because of who you are. You start to doubt everything you once thought you knew. Have you had some times like that? Well, imagine that's your best friend now. Maybe it's even worse. Maybe your friend has always felt uncomfortable. It could be nervousness or depression, and your friend reveals that they've always felt that way. Let's say your friend has problems in the family and/or financial trouble. Maybe your friend has been victimized, or is being victimized in some intolerable way.

What would you do for your friend? You would listen and show you care. Right? You'd likely buy them some comforting things that would make them happy; or you'd likely cook them a wholesome, hearty meal. I'll bet you would give them a warm hug and hold them tight - try to radiate your warmth and love right into their very bones. You'd try to make them feel like their ex-lover was the loser or that the potential employers who'd passed them over had made a truly stupid mistake. You'd certainly reinforce their self worth in every way possible. You'd let them know how valuable they are to you and to others. You'd try to build them up and get them moving. You'd want them to exercise. You'd want them to feel strong. You'd want them to make sure they know they can do what may become necessary if they need to change their lives.

Of course all that is true. You know you would do all that for your best friend. So, here is my question, and you have to take this question very seriously. Why the heck don't you do all that for you? It might sound strange, but you should be your own best friend. For sure you're going to be there for the rest of your life. So, be your own BFF. You have to. It's the only thing you could do that really makes sense.

Now I know treating yourself like you're your own best friend sounds like it could be selfish. Or maybe it just seems like you can't do for yourself like you can do for a friend. But why not? How can anyone be more important to you than you? You feel your own pain, but if you're like most other caring people, you pay more attention to the pain you empathize with in others than you do to your own. Most people will get angry to protect themselves or retreat when they're sad, but they never think about caring for themselves in a deeply nurturing way. That depth of aid and tenderness most people reserve for others...

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