Daniel A. Bochner, Ph.D.

Of course we know why people seek power and why they need to control others. Seeking power indicates the need to overcome an inner feeling of powerlessness. Needing to control expresses a feeling that things in general, and especially other people, are out of one's control. These traits seem to run rampant in the world around us and there is barely anyone who isn't upset by them. In fact, those who want power and control are even more upset by others who want power and control than the rest of us due to their competitive nature and their view that there can be only one dominant person. For someone not afflicted with these desires, the powerful and controlling are irritating because they step on everyone's toes with rarely any awareness, or even more rarely, any regret. It's also infuriating that those seeking power and control often achieve power and control and often seem to garner more respect than anyone else. It is clear as well that those seeking power and control are not mentally healthy. However, their success is intoxicating to them, thus making the possibility of change extremely limited.

Power and control are so intoxicating, in fact, that they can be considered to be addictive, and there are many power and control addicts. There are problems for the person who seeks power and control (that is, the power and control addict) that might make them think twice about their ways, if only they could become aware of those problems. But the prevailing feelings of power and control prevent awareness of the problem. Essentially, power and control are defenses against feelings of inadequacy, weakness, fear, being unlovable or unloved, and being worthless. Obviously, if a person feels such wretched feelings, there is huge motivation to keep those feelings under wraps. Power and control specifically help in keeping those feelings under wraps. Of course, if someone is feeling powerful and in control, it is unlikely that they will feel inadequate, unloved, or worthless.

So where do these needs come from? There are three primary patterns that lead to the development of a need for power and control, and there is tremendous overlap between the three. The first is the experience of being dominated as a child, and the observation that becoming dominant is the only solution for overcoming a feeling of extreme submission. The second is the child who tries desperately to please a difficult to please parent with perfection in all they do, but who never feels they have actually succeeded in pleasing that parent, so in their perfectionism and efforts to please when they become adults, they require that everyone around them be perfect, too. The third is a type that is born with so much intensity that they naturally become aggressive when displeased and then never get their intensity under control because it feels so good when others give in. These three types overlap quite naturally since dominating parents are often perfectionistic and/or intense. Nevertheless, all three can be separate as well, and thus will be briefly discussed below in uncovering the motivations behind each characteristic path...

For the remainder of this article, please buy The Emotional Toolbox book.