Daniel A. Bochner, Ph.D.

One ugly truth about the human condition is that bad experiences lead to more bad experiences. It's so unfair, but when you observe the world, this simple truth cannot be denied. Although some people born into poverty, neglect or abuse (we can call them "Troubled Past" individuals for short) turn things around and find their way into mental health and success-filled lives (we can call these rare people "Good Future" individuals), the odds are certainly stacked against them. The lives of Troubled Past individuals have trained them well to be untrusting, hyper-vigilant, and emotionally reactionary in order to protect themselves. But trust, freedom of thought, and freedom within interaction, all traits that run counter to the exaggerated self-protectiveness that develops in Troubled Past individuals, are necessary in forging successful relationships with others. Without successful relationships, it is impossible for Troubled Past individuals to create happy, fulfilling lives. There are ways around this dilemma. The key to stopping this cycle is in becoming a person who views the world and relationships through the lens of endless possibilities, like a Good Future individual. The question then becomes, how can a Troubled Past individual become a Good Future individual?

Let us start by examining the traits of Good Future and Troubled Past types. A person with a good past (we can call them "Good Past" individuals) typically becomes a person with a good future (although this is not always the case). Such a person has seen and experienced love without too much strife. They have felt what it's like to have someone care for them and about them. Because of how they've been treated in the past, they expect similar treatment in the future. They have typically had some bad treatment and conflict as well, but not in great abundance. The ill-treatment they have experienced has been ameliorated by positive treatment. Many of the conflicts within which they have been embroiled have resolved. Thus, while they remain open to possibilities within relationships, they are watchful early on, and they develop trust slowly because they know they deserve good treatment. When they trust fully, but become dissatisfied or get hurt, they fall back on their own resources of positive self-esteem (a confidence in their own worth that has been proven to them through past experience) to find help in either working out the issues of disappointment or knowing when to move on. They are able to trust others, as well as themselves, and they understand that there is good and bad in the world that requires management, mediation, and constant adjustment. Overall, and most importantly, they have developed faith that things will work out, at least most of the time.

In contrast, when we examine the Troubled Past individual, we typically see someone who expects things to go badly. Why would the Troubled Past person think things are going to go well? That would be foolish, wouldn't it? Such an individual has seen people get angry easily and often. Sometimes the Troubled Past individual has been ill-treated or abused. When they've been nice to others, others have taken advantage of them. When they've behaved in irritable and angry ways, they've often avoided getting hurt. These experiences lead to two basic types of Troubled Past people. The first type is a person who never trusts anyone and must always be dominant (a "Dominant Troubled Past" individual). The second type is a person who continues to believe the goodness within them will eventually lead to someone truly loving them even though they have rarely experienced that love (a "Troubled Past Believer").

Troubled Past individuals of the Dominant type have learned they should not trust anyone. When they meet people, they look for the angle. They need to make sure they remain in control of their situation and typically that means they will either control the other person or they will make sure they don't care about the other person (please see article, The Power and Control Addiction). Underlying their prickly and distant behavior is a feeling of being unloved and unlovable in a cold, harsh world. This feeling of being unlovable in a lonely, frigid world can never resolve because their behavior precludes the possibility of someone becoming close and showing them love or warmth. To the Dominant Troubled Past individual, it seems every interpersonal eventuality includes people competing for limited resources and cheating each other to get what is needed. There is no freedom of thought. There are only winners and losers, dominants and submissives, those in control and those who are weak. The self-esteem of the Dominant Troubled Past individual is typically based on being on top of all situations, with the alternative being a complete crash into depression, anxiety, desolation, and desperation. Without dominance to make them feel adequate, they drown in fear and their own contempt for themselves. Unless somehow someone is able to get close to them, an event that is nearly impossible due to their aggressiveness and coldness in interaction, there is no way for the Dominant Troubled Past Individual to realize they can be loved and that the world is not a desolate landscape devoid of love.

For the remainder of this article, please buy The Emotional Toolbox book.